Diary
24.10
I had two portions of tomato soup, worth 140 kcal. I burned 300 kcal this afternoon. I'm freezing, drinking water and watching triggering movies and documentaries. I only had 2 litres of water. I feel miserable. Maybe apple cider vinegar will do it...
25.10
I' trying fasting today, and I really want to hit 55 kilos until friday. I realized, that I don't eat out of boredom. I used not to eat at day, and eat sweets in the evening because I'm so hungry. I can beat it, by drinking water and green tea when I feel hungry. I know I can loose that one kilo until the day after tomorrow. As long as I keep up. I was doing another 300 kcal "Silent Workout" at afternoon, just as I reached the last bit, 75 squats, I felt so dizzy after standing up after the 200 leg lifts. I was shoked, since I felt dizzy the last time in may. While watching Supersize vs. Superskinny, I topped with another 300 kcal workout, still haven't eaten yet. My legs are quite shaking, and I don't dare to stand up, but I'm hungry, so another glass of water awaits me. A look on the clock helps me continue fastig and resist the little demon in my head that tells me to eat. I really crave fast food, after that woman on this show always eats chips... Well, at 6 o'clock pm I could't stand it any longer and ate a handfull of 400 kcal! i need to get rid of that now! I tried purging, but it wasn't enough amount to puke, even though I drank water. I'll try it again in 10 minutes and drink another glass of water. But I couldn't puke, and during my workout after that I felt constantly sick and almost puked during planking on my floor. It's 19:40 now, and I just finished my 600 kcal workout. It took me quite a while, since I still feel like puking and I found a new way of damaging myself. I sat domn, kneelink and sitting on my legs/feet. After ten to twenty minutes I rush to stand up, and feel dizzy. I even fell down to my bed almost blacking out. I don't think this is connected to Ana, it's a form of self harm.
I don't think I did well today. I'm a disgrace for all anorexics. Fuck, I'm crying.
26.10
My diet yesterday worked! I'VE LOST 1 KILO! But I won't fast like this today. I'll have a soup this afternoon. That's all for today. And I won't exercise that excessive. I just got home from shopping and finishing paperwork, and though I really wanted to do a workout and eat after it, I feel just too weak to do so. I am not even hungry (I teased my boyfriend per text message what I crave right now). Looks like I'll do slow today. So, I've finished that 600 kcal workout and decided to eat soup after that (worth 80 kcal) but ended up binging another 400 kcal... And I layed in bed the most time. I really want to do another workout today, just a small one, but I can't get myself motivated :( I hate myself and I don't know what to do. Why am I always that unmotivated? I found my motivation a while later, did another 600 kcal workout and just binged on 400 kcal after that. I am a failure. I stink, I'm ugly and a disgrace for mankind. I keep giving up, I won't achieve a thing. But I know, even though I may feel bad about myself, tomorrow is another day when I can do better than the day before. I just have to keep fighting. At the end lies happiness!
27.10
I didn't loose weight. I put on half a kilo. And I'm very hungry. I awokebloody hungry! And I'm driving home today, which makes me happy and sad samewise. Happy, because I missed my family, sad because I'll put on weight... Nah nevermind, I like to enjoy the few days I have with my sisters and mother. I am a family person, I miss them very much.. I can only see them 1-2 days every two weeks. Thank god, they love veggies!
16.11
Ich weiß, hab lange Zeit nicht gepostet. Hat paar Gründe, eigentlich nicht so wichtig. Bin wieder bei 55,5 kg. Ich ritze mich wieder. Ich denke ernsthaft über mein Leben nach. Und ich hab Hunger, nichts macht mir Spaß, nichts animiert mich. Ich will eigentlich nur noch heulen und schlafen. ich hab so Kopfschmerzen! Bald halte ich diese innere Unruhe und Leere nicht mehr aus, aber ich weiß nicht, was ich tun soll. Nichts hat einen Sinn, und nichts hilft.
I had two portions of tomato soup, worth 140 kcal. I burned 300 kcal this afternoon. I'm freezing, drinking water and watching triggering movies and documentaries. I only had 2 litres of water. I feel miserable. Maybe apple cider vinegar will do it...
25.10
I' trying fasting today, and I really want to hit 55 kilos until friday. I realized, that I don't eat out of boredom. I used not to eat at day, and eat sweets in the evening because I'm so hungry. I can beat it, by drinking water and green tea when I feel hungry. I know I can loose that one kilo until the day after tomorrow. As long as I keep up. I was doing another 300 kcal "Silent Workout" at afternoon, just as I reached the last bit, 75 squats, I felt so dizzy after standing up after the 200 leg lifts. I was shoked, since I felt dizzy the last time in may. While watching Supersize vs. Superskinny, I topped with another 300 kcal workout, still haven't eaten yet. My legs are quite shaking, and I don't dare to stand up, but I'm hungry, so another glass of water awaits me. A look on the clock helps me continue fastig and resist the little demon in my head that tells me to eat. I really crave fast food, after that woman on this show always eats chips... Well, at 6 o'clock pm I could't stand it any longer and ate a handfull of 400 kcal! i need to get rid of that now! I tried purging, but it wasn't enough amount to puke, even though I drank water. I'll try it again in 10 minutes and drink another glass of water. But I couldn't puke, and during my workout after that I felt constantly sick and almost puked during planking on my floor. It's 19:40 now, and I just finished my 600 kcal workout. It took me quite a while, since I still feel like puking and I found a new way of damaging myself. I sat domn, kneelink and sitting on my legs/feet. After ten to twenty minutes I rush to stand up, and feel dizzy. I even fell down to my bed almost blacking out. I don't think this is connected to Ana, it's a form of self harm.
I don't think I did well today. I'm a disgrace for all anorexics. Fuck, I'm crying.
26.10
My diet yesterday worked! I'VE LOST 1 KILO! But I won't fast like this today. I'll have a soup this afternoon. That's all for today. And I won't exercise that excessive. I just got home from shopping and finishing paperwork, and though I really wanted to do a workout and eat after it, I feel just too weak to do so. I am not even hungry (I teased my boyfriend per text message what I crave right now). Looks like I'll do slow today. So, I've finished that 600 kcal workout and decided to eat soup after that (worth 80 kcal) but ended up binging another 400 kcal... And I layed in bed the most time. I really want to do another workout today, just a small one, but I can't get myself motivated :( I hate myself and I don't know what to do. Why am I always that unmotivated? I found my motivation a while later, did another 600 kcal workout and just binged on 400 kcal after that. I am a failure. I stink, I'm ugly and a disgrace for mankind. I keep giving up, I won't achieve a thing. But I know, even though I may feel bad about myself, tomorrow is another day when I can do better than the day before. I just have to keep fighting. At the end lies happiness!
27.10
I didn't loose weight. I put on half a kilo. And I'm very hungry. I awokebloody hungry! And I'm driving home today, which makes me happy and sad samewise. Happy, because I missed my family, sad because I'll put on weight... Nah nevermind, I like to enjoy the few days I have with my sisters and mother. I am a family person, I miss them very much.. I can only see them 1-2 days every two weeks. Thank god, they love veggies!
16.11
Ich weiß, hab lange Zeit nicht gepostet. Hat paar Gründe, eigentlich nicht so wichtig. Bin wieder bei 55,5 kg. Ich ritze mich wieder. Ich denke ernsthaft über mein Leben nach. Und ich hab Hunger, nichts macht mir Spaß, nichts animiert mich. Ich will eigentlich nur noch heulen und schlafen. ich hab so Kopfschmerzen! Bald halte ich diese innere Unruhe und Leere nicht mehr aus, aber ich weiß nicht, was ich tun soll. Nichts hat einen Sinn, und nichts hilft.
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